Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Two Wholes becoming Holy

I have concluded that there is never again in my life going to be a wagon of time to sit down and write, edit and then write some more. Well, at least not in the foreseeable future. Nope, if I want to post on this blog, it has to be done down and dirty. Grab a keyboard, write what's on my mind, and move on. So here it goes. Raw and still pulsing.

I know that many couples struggle to adjust in their relationship after they've had kids. As a matter of fact, every single mommy that I know has, at some point, had to face the fact that her relationship with her partner has forever changed now that they are parents. No longer are they able to have intimate mornings in bed together. No longer are they out enjoying a glass of wine and a romantic dinner. It is unlikely that they have time to reflect and discuss things thoroughly when an argument comes up. Somehow the conversation seems to veer towards the baby (or babies in our case) and it is easy to get consumed into parenthood. But what happens to your relationship? And how does one adjust to this new phase of the partnership?

A few days ago we had dinner with a friend. Francis sat on one side of the table with one baby, I sat on the other side with the other baby, and the friend was next to me. As we were driving home afterward (with me in the back seat to pacify just in case our angels turn into cranksters), it struck me how disconnected I felt from Francis that evening. I realized that we didn't hold hands even once the entire meal. We didn't feed each other. And we didn't have a moment where we catch each others gaze and lovingly smile, capturing the magic between us and basking in it for a moment. And we used to do those things all the time.

As I thought about it, I conceded that we didn't really have free hands, that we were focused on entertaining the friend, that we were tired, etc. But I know that those are all excuses. I could have made sure to sit next to Francis and not across from him. I could have offered him a bite of my food from my hands. I could have held his hand and whispered sweetly into his ear that it feels wonderful to be next to him. And he could have done the same thing.

Then I thought about how worn out we've been and how difficult it's been trying to create alone time together to nourish our relationship. We've had a few dates here and there and even a couple of nights alone (the babies were with their grandparents), but during those times I felt like were were just touching the tip of the iceberg in terms of reconnecting and working through who we are now as a couple. After all the craziness of the last few months, I don't know where to start nurturing each other. Hell, I am still trying to figure out who I am now that I am a mother and how to nurture myself.

So, I breathe. And remind myself that it will take time. I realize that we still have quite a way to go to find stability and comfort in our lives as individuals and as a couple. I also realize that where there is a will, there is a way. And I badly want to feel madly, hopelessly, completely smitten with each other again. I look forward to our two Wholes becoming Holy once more.

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